i love you
22 months ago I lost a baby and gained another angel in heaven.
I was left with a empty place in my heart. A feeling that most do not ever forget. Some days if I think about it to much the sting of losing a loved one feels fresh. Losing someone you never met is not something you ever get over.
15 months and 1 day ago (as I write this) was your due date.
If you ask any mother that has lost a baby they will always be able to tell you how old that baby would be. The ache never goes away.. But somehow we learn to accept this feeling.
5 months after I lost a baby who would be just about a 1.5 years old right now I got pregnant. The feelings I felt ranged from happiness to terror - stricken. Some nights I would lay awake for hours being terrified because of the trauma I went through from having lost a baby. See I lost this previous baby at 12 weeks. I was rushed to the hospital and almost bled to death from hemorrhaging.
Usually when you get pregnant its exciting and your already thinking of names. But for me it wasn't like that. As much as I loved this little baby growing inside me. I pretended like this wasn't going to last. Like the happy ending didnt exist. I didn't want to get my hopes up to lose another baby. I was scared. At one point I remember talking and making plans like this baby wasn't going to survive. I tried my hardest to not be attached because I couldn't handle more heart break. I even told my husband on my 9 week visit that there probably wasn't a heart beat... As I sat in the cold waiting room trying to feel as detached as I could, I couldn't help but feel terrified of going in there again laying down and to hear the dead silence of baby without a beating heart. My heart was racing and a flood of memories came back to me. Laying in this same room. As I laid down I forced myself to look away so that I couldn't see the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech covered my stomach in the cold gel and she moved the wand around my stomach over and over and over and I felt the pain coming back and my heart beating in my ears and then.. There it was.. A tiny little heart beat, beating as fast it could. And I cried and I was shaking and I kept asking her are you sure? Are you sure its not my heart beat. There is really a baby inside me?? And I looked at her and she looked back at me and she must have known how terrified I was because she started crying too. And she said to me something I will never forget.
" Your baby is alive.. You can breathe again "
And I did. I felt like I had finally come up for air. After months of feeling like I was drowning. I had finally been pulled to the surface. This tiny baby smaller than a kidney bean was holding me even though I was carrying him. It was then I knew that things would be okay. It would be a long pregnancy but I was going to hold on and do whatever it took to make sure that he would come into this world. Everyday was a struggle. Silently battling the anxiety and terror of the what if's. What if something happens when I give birth. What if I don't make it? What if the baby isn't okay. Everyday was like this for me. But I held on for this little one.
Then one day a week after my due date.
February 5, 2016
This little guy finally decided to make his appearance. I remember waking up that morning feeling a little off. That whole week had been a strange combination of emotions and the wait of him deciding to come. I was 1 week and 1 day over due. I went to my midwifes office and she told me as of right now you are not in labor. This was at 11 a.m. But I told her. Todays the day. She smiled at me and said " we will see " around 4:30 p.m. I made a phone call and said something isn't right. So with my fast labor history they had me come in. Thanks to living right outside Los Angeles we were caught in traffic when I felt a slight trickle... Not saying anything to alarm my poor husband who was fighting off the crazy traffic I patiently waited till we got to the office to say I think my water broke. When we arrived (took us about 30 minutes to get there) my midwife checked and sure enough my fore bag had broke. I asked her when she would be starting the bath ( I had a water birth ) she said when your water breaks. After 10 minutes of being there I felt the gush and he was coming. Maternal instinct kicked in so I stripped down and got into the birth tub and she told me to listen to my body. With each wave of tightening I just pushed and then he was born. He was finally here. Born at 5:17 p.m. He came into this world so quiet and he was beautiful. He looked at me and just stared into my eyes and I felt my heart finally settle down. He was here. He was okay. He was beautiful.
My little blonde hair blue eyed boy. We were all pretty shocked to see this little guy not to mention him being a blondie with big blue eyes. It was shocking. I remember looking at sky and said... He looks like my brothers and I laughed.
I love you my sweet little Artis Copeland
Thank you for picking me me to be your mother. I know that even though I have so much to teach you, I want you to know that you have taught me more during my pregnancy and while you've been here on earth with our family more than I have been taught my whole life.
Thank you Mr. Man. I love you.
Here's to the sweetest 9 months
To all the mothers waiting for their rainbow baby. Do not give up. Rainbows always come after the stormiest of all rain storms.